


when you turn to me and say "never change the way you are"

by lipstickgremlin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Awkward Flirting, Bodyguard Romance, M/M, Sleepy Cuddles, wheat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:46:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipstickgremlin/pseuds/lipstickgremlin
Summary: In a kingdom of wheat and wheat-based baked goods, John is a prince who finds himself in need of a bodyguard. Fortunately, he has two good candidates. Unfortunately, they're a pair of awkward dorks. Will he manage to survive their competition without spontaneously combusting of secondhand embarrassment? Who will he pick? Will John ever escape the constant flood of cake? All these questions and more will be answered.





	when you turn to me and say "never change the way you are"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BelovedBoy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelovedBoy/gifts).



> so, for polyswap, i ended up writing yet ANOTHER vaguely medivalish royalty au type thing. this one has significantly less bad life decisions and more dorkiness. about the same amount of longwinded rambles from dave tho. he's too fun to write, it ain't fair. i swear to god someday i'll write fic that ISN'T just more homestuck aus but uh. that time isn't anytime soon. i still haven't even posted my hanahaki fic yet. i'm not running out of homestuck fic any time soon.  
> title stolen from a hilary duff song of all things, because this is my life now i guess.

"And so, we've been thinking about getting you a bodyguard," Dad said. That was really the part where John tuned in. He already knew why, so it wasn't like he'd had to listen to that part. It was kind of hard to miss your sister turning into a werewolf, abdicating the throne, and then running off into the woods to eat snausages or deer or whatever non-cake foods wolves ate. Stupid lucky wolves. In any case, it wasn't like finding a bodyguard was going to be hard or anything.

"I get to pick who, right?" John asked, just in case. 

"Of course, I have full confidence in you, and I'm so proud you're willing to take on this responsibility yourself." 

"Great!" John said, because hey, there were already two great possibilities, and at least one of them would totally be up for it. There was no way that could go wrong!

Unfortunately, John had underestimated his knights and their ability to start an argument over anything.

"You're the better bodyguard? Hah! I'm laughing at that! Laughing at it because it's so wrong I can't even begin to explain how wrong it is!" John, stuck in the middle, debated covering his ears. Karkat was a great friend, sure, but godsdamn was he really, really, loud. So loud.

"You can't be the better bodyguard, because I'm already the best there is. There's no better bodyguard than me, that's why I haven't been allowed to bodyguard, everyone was too scared to get beat by me." Dave was at least quieter, but wow could he talk. And talk. Look at him go.

"You know what, how about we compete for it? Tomorrow, we'll find out who the best bodyguard is. And it's going to be me, because I actually know what I'm doing and don't spend the whole day poking at dead things with sticks!" 

"Listen, when I finally get Rose to teach me necromancy and have an army of pissy dead deer, you'll be so glad I spent the whole day poking at dead things, you won't even be able to _comprehend_ how glad you are, your head'll just explode with gladness, it'll be a huge mess, everyone will be like 'damn, how could one person _be_ so glad, it's a miracle, and then-" That was about the point that John was done with both of them.

"Alright, it's decided, you'll compete tomorrow, that's great! I'm going to go sleep! Goodnight!" and with that, he made his escape, leaving his knights to bicker the night away.

The next morning, breakfast was a nightmare, like always. Worse than always, because overly competitive knights were combined with vast amounts of cake.

"Who eats _cake_ for _breakfast_?" John groused, like this wasn't what happened every morning. 

"I don't, like, see the problem here? How do you not like cake?" Dave said, or at least, that's what John was pretty sure he said. It was a bit muffled by the slab of cake that Dave was basically inhaled. He'd already gone through his own slice and was starting on John's.

"Just because I don't like it doesn't mean you can steal my breakfast," John started to say, but Dave talked over him.

"What if it's poisoned, dude? You'll thank me when I'm on my deathbed from saving you from delicious poisoned confectionaries."

At that, Karkat, on his other side, snatched up a fork and began his own assault on the cake. John just sighed and faceplanted into the table. This was just how it was gonna be for next couple days or so, and he had to accept that. Desperately, he hoped that the meeting he had to attend next would be at least a little better, and maybe his friends wouldn't be stupid.

Of course, that meant that the meeting was twice as painful as expected. 

"Dave, Dave help me," John groaned. He really just did not want to hear anymore anything about milling technology, or grain shipments, or whatever. He'd been in this meeting for _five hours_ now. That was too long to talk about wheat. Even if it was the country's main export. 

"No can do, prince of mine, I'm just your loyal bodyguard, I've got no control over millers." Dave shook his head. He didn't look remotely sorry. 

"But they're still going," John whined. He did his best to whine quietly, because that was not something you said out loud where your devoted subjects could hear you. Dave looked mildly amused, and said, "Wheat is very important, okay? If we all die because our primary product stopped getting shipped or whatever, who's fault is that? Woe is us, the peasants are gonna say, woe, our prince hates wheat and has mishandled our farms. They'll be dying in the streets, and then they'll come back as zombies and guillotine you."

Karkat, on his other side, looked personally offended. 

"This is why I'm clearly the better bodyguard," he grumbled, "I don't talk about our liege's _horrible death_. No one wants to hear you talk about how they're going to die, you blithering idiot."

John squished down further in his seat as his prospective bodyguards bickered over his head. He was pretty sure this was not what bodyguards were supposed to do. Maybe, just maybe, this whole competition idea had been kinda dumb. This was not working out. 

By the time the meeting had finished, John was exhausted, and absolutely ready to crash into his bed. Unfortunately, his prospective bodyguards clearly were not. 

"Guys, seriously, I'm going to sleep," he protested, as they followed him into his room.

"What if assassins come after you in the night, huh?" Dave asked, continuing, "What if assassins break in through your window and gruesomely murder you in your sleep? We gotta be in here, man, think of the assassins. We gotta stop them from killing you, all their baby assassins are gonna starve, but that's okay, because you won't be dead and you're the one that matters, not theoretical baby assassins, they don't matter because they're probably assholes anyways."

Karkat gave a significant, and significantly annoyed, cough.

"And I'm here because this dimwit couldn't protect you from assassins if your life depended on it, which it does. He'd probably just try and talk them to death."

"Hey, I could _totally_ talk someone to death. It'd just take one of my sick metaphors and their brain would melt on the floor. But also explode at the same time, it'd be badass and you'd all be in love with m-my sicknasty chatterbox skills."

John definitely noticed that Dave had skipped a beat there, but he was way too tired to try and figure out what that meant at the moment. Now was sleeptime. Karkat likewise seemed to be doing his best to pretend he hadn't heard anything.

"Alright guys, you can stay in my room," John said, rubbing his temples, "But seriously, don't argue the whole night. I can't sleep if you guys argue the whole night."

Awkwardly, the two agreed, and John began the intensely embarrassing business of getting ready for bed as two other people, admittedly friends but that was still kinda weird, stood in the same room and tried their hardest to look anywhere but him. It wasn't until he'd finished pulling his pajamas on that he realized a problem.

"Did you two, uh, remember to grab pajamas for yourself?" he asked, feeling extremely weird. He wasn't sure what he wanted the other two to say.

"Uh," Dave mumbled. Karkat made a noise of frustration.

"It's not a big problem!" John said, frantically waving his arms as if to ward off an explosion, "You can just borrow some of mine!"

Karkat looked like a bomb had gone off in his face, and Dave made an odd strangled sound. John wanted to inquire if they were okay, but both of them cut him off in a cacophony of loud denials. It took way longer than he'd have liked, but finally he managed to complain both of them down into accepting his offer.

At this point, he was so incredibly ready for bed he couldn't put it into words, and was once again intensely jealous of Jade, wherever she was, running around in the woods. Wolves didn't have bickering friends moving into their rooms and being weird about borrowing pajamas. 

Even burying himself in a pile of blankets didn't really help that much. Whenever he opened his eyes, he could see Dave and Karkat standing stiffly, backs to the wall, occasionally glancing awkwardly between each other and John. It was weird, and frankly uncomfortable. John could only handle so much of this crap.

"Are you two gonna, I don't know, actually sleep?" he grumbled, exhaustion coloring his words.

"No way, dude, we gotta stay up, gotta stay alert. Remember those baby assassins," Dave said, but the impact of his words was ruined by how he yawned immediately after them. 

"We're bodyguards, John," Karkat said, "Bodyguards don't sleep." Frantically, John thought as hard as he could for ways to make them sleep, and finally came up with a solution.

"I mean, you don't have to sleep," he began, "but you can both sit on the bed, if you want. It's probably comfier."

Almost simultaneously, Dave and Karkat made noises as though a small yappy dog had been trod on. John politely ignored their fits until they were quiet enough for him to get a word in.

"It's easier to protect me if you're right there, right?" he asked. 

"I mean, that's a good point," Dave said. Karkat looked suspicious, but nodded anyways. John lifted up his pile of blankets, and his knights snuck in on either side. It was oddly comfortable, he thought. Probably was going to be way too warm in the morning. 

"We're still gonna stay awake the whole time," one of them said, probably Dave. John wasn't sure, because he was already passing out. He saw them trying their best to sit up straight, and then he was asleep.

Amazingly, John was the first one awake the next morning. He woke up, and then immediately realized he couldn't go anywhere, because he was being aggressively cuddled by two bodyguards. Both of them were snoring peacefully, and John had to admit it was really, really cute. They were actually really good together when they weren't arguing. It felt like this stupid contest brought out the worst in them.

With that thought, John knew what he had to do. He just wanted more sleep first. He was comfy, curled up in his nest of cuddles, and before long he was out like a light, again. 

By the next time he woke up, other two were up and absolutely pretending nothing had happened. He got ready for the morning, and they headed to breakfast. John ignored the cake on the table, because seriously, more cake, no, and turned to his dad. 

"I've picked my bodyguard," he said. Almost immediately, he could hear both Dave and Karkat choking on their cake. He was pretty sure Dave had just taken a huge bite. Whoops.

"That's wonderful, son!" That was all the encouragement John needed.

"I'm hiring both of them to be my bodyguards." He turned around, to where Karkat was currently hitting Dave's back to dislodge some apparently homicidal cake, and said, "I mean, if you guys want to."

Dave nodded frantically, still choking on his cake, and Karkat shouted "Yes!" probably a bit more enthusiastically than he meant to, since his entire face turned bright red immediately after. 

"So, uh," Dave said, once he had dislodged the cake from his windpipe, "How's this gonna work? Like, do we take turns, or what? Is this a sharing custody sort of thing?"

"No, silly, you just both hang out with me, like normal," John said, "I mean, I guess that's what happens. It'll be fun, I like you guys."

"Wow, what a confession," Dave said, "I'm swooning, swooning over here. You have swept me off my feet, my prince in shining armor. That was just so romantic, I'm gonna dedicate my life to you. Scoot over so I can kneel on the ground and kiss your hand-wait. Uh, Karkat? You okay?"

Karkat did not look okay. Karkat looked like he might be going into shock. 

"Why," he said, "Why would you like us? Why would you like hanging around with us, with me? We've been nothing but annoying this whole time!" His voice got louder and louder, until he was shouting. He stopped, breathing heavily.

"I like you a lot! Both of you! You aren't annoying. You're really loud and you guys argue over stupid stuff, but I don't mind! If I minded, I wouldn't want to hang out with you!" John was incredibly relieved when Karkat seemed to be processing what he'd said. Luckily, before he came up with another self-deprecating response, Dave jumped in.

"Seriously, what would we do without you? Otherwise I'm just gonna talk people to death, what a tragic fate. Seriously, we'll be in a fight, and we'll need a distraction, right? I'll just start talking, and then you can bash them over the head while they're distracted. It's totally a foolproof plan, we should test this next time we're out, it'll go great."

The rambling worked. Karkat was descending into barely stifled laughter. The situation was derailed.

"So you accept, right?" John asked, just to make sure. Karkat nodded shakily. 

"Of course, you idiot," he said, and John could see tears in his eyes. Well, that certainly wouldn't stand. John decided to try something stupid. Awkwardly, he leaned over and kissed Karkat on the cheek. Karkat turned a color normally seen on tomatoes rather than knights.

"Whoa, don't leave me out of this!" Dave said, and he leaned out of his chair to kiss the other side of Karkat's face, nearly collapsing onto the floor in the process.

"You're both idiots," Karkat mumbled, covering his face with his hands, but he didn't seem upset.

"Clearly, we're your idiots," Dave said, and John agreed.

“So, does this mean that you guys won't stop me if I want to skip out on more meetings about wheat?" he asked.

"No," the other two responded, and he decided that was fair enough. 


End file.
